The following story "Where the Honey Meets the Air" appears in Australian Love Stories (Inkerman and Blunt) and also in my forthcoming collection (August 2015 - Spineless Wonders)
My Hearts Are Your Hearts.
"Where the Honey Meets the Air"
I call her Honey-Hannah and she
calls me Sugar-Sam. It’s pretty sweet at our place.
And you know how
it is with honey.
I hope you do.
Otherwise we’re
not going to be on the same page for a while here.
Follow…ME.
You see it there
in the bowl, pot, with the honeybee embossed – is that the word – on the side
that curves and fits in the palm of your hand – and you take the silver spoon
they gave you when you were born – that was a while ago now wasn’t it – maybe
your were actually born with it in your mouth (joke) – and you dig into the
viscous – I think that’s what it is, viscous, sounds good – viscous semi-liquid
– it doesn’t resist – down goes the soft sharp side of the silver spoon
(Shakespeare – joke) and you hold it just above your toast all buttery and
gleaming in the light of the conservatory, and you let that honey run drip
dribble flow manifest down onto the butter, the toast – and it glides and pools
and glows, positively literally glows as if lit from within – and you
think of a word and in the beginning it was, and the word was ‘meniscus’ and
you wonder, there at the late morning breakfast table, if honey can be said to
do meniscus, so you whip out the iPad (to tell the truth is was already there,
whipped, all along) and off you go to Wikipedia and you’re a little bit the
wiser because now you kind of know that the ‘meniscus’, plural menisci, from
the Greek ‘crescent’, is the curve in the upper surface of a liquid close to
the surface of the container, caused by the surface tension, and depending on
the liquid and the surface’ – oh blah blah there’s lots more but that’s enough
of that kind of talk really, for now – and I conclude that meniscus wasn’t what
I was looking for was it – I’m just thinking of the skin of the honey
aren’t I – the part where the honey meets the air and where it kind of resists
something – pressure? moisture? distant laughter? – in the air, so that faint
striations (OMG the old vocabulary is choofing along this morning) of heavenly
pale butter beginning ever so delicately to marble (too heavy, this marble
word) the envelope of the honey, and it is nearly time (tick tock/ ayers
rock/silver slippers/ brighton rock – Shakespeare again) to put the spoon
somewhere – where – not back in the honey, surely – oh bugger it, put it back in
the honey and hang it all if some butter or a crumb of toast or the vestige of
the dry wing of a dead moth happens to land in there – or an ant, what about an
ant? have signals gone out to the bloody ants letting them know that the honey
pot – pot or bowl? jar? – oh English it so devilish isn’t it – now if this were
French the honey would be, I imagine, simply in a compotier de miel or some
such and be done with it, unless some froggy whiz had siphoned it onto a
soucoupe (yes I tried to look it up but if I faff around in the French/English,
English/French for much longer we’ll be here all day and never get to put the
toast and honey into anybody’s mouth, let alone mine) – but the funny thing was
that not far from ‘miel’ there lay a squashed and dessicated ant caught
in the pages of the big Larousse, and highlighting the word ‘mignarder’ which
apparently is Frog for to pat, to caress, to fondle – I liked the sound of that
– and it goes on to explain that if you do this thing called ‘mignarder son
style’ (yes I too thought we had wandered into porno there, patting the stylus,
but no) you are being finical – I could leave you to look up finical in
your Shorter Oxford (get real, mister – look it up on google) but to save time
I will tell you it means to be affectedly fastidious or precise in one’s use of
language, and to engage in mincing metaphors (OMG!! – ‘mincing metaphors’!!!!
exclamation mark – think of the dead ant – a metaphor, but is it mincing?) and
I feel a figure of speech coming on in any case because the wing of the moth
(imaginary) set me thinking that the honey is quite similar to amber, isn’t it,
and what do you know – we called our baby daughter Amber, yes indeed we did –
to Hannah and Sam, a baby girl – her eyes are as brown (simile alert) as – as
what – oh you fill in the blanks – and her lips are as red as – oh no! – blood
– some old fairy tale, I imagine it’s Snow White, is crossing wires with me and
a witch or wicked queen or step-mother is planning to hook our baby (she’s now
nearly two years old BTW and is partial to a spot of toast and honey herself,
pat pat, caress, caress) up with a prince from some minor kingdom by the sea in
the distant or not so distant future of the planet, supposing the poor old
planet has a future which maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t, all things
considered, what with the morphing climate and the disappearing bees (bee
motif) and the way the sea is rising up like King Neptune reclaiming his rights
whatever they were, and the way the sun is a dying star (have I got that right
– oh sometimes I don’t seem to know what I am talking about) – and anyhow we
were living together for a yonk, me and Honey-Hannah, and happy as two little
bees in lavender (that didn’t really work, did it – never mind) when one day HH
who had not sighted blood as red as blood for a while came out of the ensuite
with a funny look on her face and a funny thing in her hand and said she
thought she might be pregnant and she was of course and so we thought we’d zip
off to the registry office and tie the knot – something that went out of
fashion for a few years, but has come back with a vengeance in the form of the
Wedding Industry of which more a bit later – when Her Family swept in and tied
us up in knots, ribbons, bows and a certain amount of barbed wire, and whirled
us up the aisle of St Francis in the Jolly Old Fields with a huge
reception at Quoile, the (her) family home in the rolling hills (have I got
that right, Family?) behind Kyneton in Central Victoria, Quoile being named
after an old old castle in County Down where the Family had its Elizabethan
roots (joke) – we are the Gunns of Quoile Castle – yes she is Hannah-Margot
Gunn of Gunn’s Constructions (not to mention Gunns Wedding Bells, Gunns Hardware
and Gunns Honey, and not to forget Wishart, Perpendicular and Gunn, Barristers
and Solicitors) – I should have warned you about how this narrative will tie
itself up in the knots of several metaphors and coincidences and things – but
Honey-Hannah is unlike most members of the Family – unlike particularly in the
matter of issue – her mad sister has no children (not a hope in hell) – her
brother’s mad wife will have no children (although the brother, Fabian, has
probably fathered a bastard or two but they would not count as your proper Gunns
or Quoiles) and so when HH put forward the idea of the coming of Baby Amber
there was much joyful to-do among the constructors and wedding-meisters and
hardware handlers and apiarists (at last a real word) and barristers and
solicitors, and we were propelled together into the floral archways of
matrimony until death did us part (relax, we are still buzzing along nicely in
the real world) unlike – oh-oh, here it comes, the fly in the ointment, the
snake in the grass, the ant in the honey, the startled grasshopper in the amber
– who’s divorced, who’s dead around here? who got together and then got
parted by something other than death? – well, in fact it was death – this is
why I’m actually at home in the conservatory thinking about honey on toast
instead of going to the office I occupy in Gunns Constructions where I hold a
very responsible position and where I spend a hell of a lot of my time writing
plays – wha-at? – yes, that’s what I do as I sit at my vast mahogany desk-a-rama,
I tap away at my plays, some of which (hem-hem) have had readings at places
such as the Court House and Fifty-Five Downstairs, while Sheba my personal
secretary takes calls and takes care of all stuff such as email and – well –
business – Sheba’s the real thing, I just draw the salary and look good – I
should explain that I am generally considered to be very presentable, a fucking
asset to the whole shebang (ha ha – look at that will you – Sheba runs the
whole Shebang – I just thought of that – I had occasion to text her just now to
tell her I’ll be late and she texts back saying – you’ll like this I think –
saying Take Your Time Solomon, Sheba Runs the Show) you will have seen pics of HH and me around the
place – at the opera, at the races, at the charity fashion thingie, at the
opening of the super awful reception for minor lovely royalty etc etc – we get
around – and the great thing is we get around together as a genuine
social item, an item in every way – HH and SS and their adorable Baby Amber –
unlike, as I have intimated just now, unlike Patrick my best friend from school
so long ago, unlike Patrick who has – not to put too fine a point on it – who
has – um – quite recently murdered his wife Cressida – wh-at? oh yes, he did it
allright – and if you don’t know the story I should briefly fill you in – I
warn you – it’s ugly – and it’s probably just as well you’ve got me with my
finical phrasing – I will caress you as we go – pat pat, mincing metaphor
notwithstanding – I will tell you the tale of Patrick and Cressida, one of whom
lies at the bottom of the pool with her dead lover, and one of whom lies very
much alive, telling himself long lies, just along the hallway, in my bedroom,
watching who knows what on TV and drinking scotch and waiting for me to bring
him toast and honey and good news as he waits for Deke Perpendicular to arrive
with advice and the good oil and the loophole in the noose (I think my mincing
metaphor has sidled off somewhere – and anyway we don’t do the noose or any
other form of capital punishment in our light and enlightened social system) –
look his name isn’t really Perpendicular but it’s something weirdly Greek and I
can’t think it or spell it and so I am writing Perpendicular, emphasis on the
‘dic’ because in fact he is one in many ways, but in the matter or getting
people out of situations as sticky as that in which Patrick finds himself, he’s
almost magic – so, for want of anything better to do, and as a displacement
activity, and because this is how I think in a crisis – OMG but is this a
crisis!! – I’m watching honey running slowly off the spoon while Patrick is in
my bedroom, as I said, and I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I’m actually
trying to distract myself from thinking about how Cressida was having this hot
affair with Damien Bliss (I know, I know, but that was the name) who was the
hot topic that looked after their indoor pool (heated) and everybody knew
except Patrick and guess what there comes a time when Patrick arrives home in
the middle of the day because he suffers from asthma (mild) and he was
suffering from it, and – look I apologize for the banality of all this – but
this is why Patrick is lying in the comfort of my bedroom waiting for his toast
and honey and short black – so he was feeling pretty seedy and he goes in the
front door and what does he see but the naked Cressida and the naked Damien
hotly engaged in a soixante-neuf on the dark and wonderful Turkish rug just
inside the front door – that was apparently, according to Patrick, what got
to him – and the shock did wonders for the asthma – it was the location you see
that got to him, and so to cut a long story short he loses it and he grabs
Cress by her long chestnut locks with such sudden force that he breaks her
neck, and then he king hits dazed Damien who cracks his stupid head on
something or other (Patrick isn’t yet clear on this) and he doesn’t get up
either – and so what does Patrick do then – you’d wonder, wouldn’t you – well
he drags them one by one across the floor leaving trails of blood and stuff –
and chucks them in the pool – incredible, mad, but you never know how these
things will take you – I said they were on the bottom but I don’t really know
do I – maybe they’re floating around like blow-up toys – I don’t know how long
the various processes take, what with the body and the water and the air and
Archimedes’ Principal and so on – what Patrick did was pretty amazing when you
think about it – just goes to show what rage can do – then he rings me – of
course he does – and I ring Perpendicular, and Patrick makes what is probably a
mistake – even I can see that – he gets back in his car and comes around here
where I’m getting ready to go to the office for a late morning meeting, and
where I put him to bed and give him the scotch and start making toast – and so
far nobody has called the police, but anyhow Perpendicular can work all that
out and what I’m really waiting for is for Patrick to have his toast and get
the hell out of here and then I’m going to message Sheba again and tell her I’m
really going to be late-late, like not coming in until tomorrow week,
and I’m going to go and get HH from her mad sister’s where she’s making quince
and elderberry something or other (a quaint lot, the Quoile Gunns) and I’m
going to collect Amber from Brighton Bambini and we’ll drive out to Quoile and
stay for a few days because in spite of anything I might have said, if there is
one place I can feel safe and sound and silver-plated it’s behind the great
iron gates and up the winding tree-lined drive of the Family Home where
Hannah’s mama and also old nanny will enfold us in an incredibly stilling and
sticky form of love – yes love – and nothing can ever disturb the knot of us –
where no Mr Bliss can ever come, where – wait for it – here comes a rushing
wave of somewhat mincing metaphors – we will be enfolded in the sweetieness of
our own slow flowing honey, and we will live happily, ever after, in love and
eternal ease – OMG what dismal dismal bullshit all this is – because I know,
and Patrick knows, and Perpendicular knows, and the police are going to
know, and even you know – what has happened to Patrick (has it happened to
Patrick, is that it? or has Patrick done it – this remains to be sorted
out by lawyer and police and jury and judge etc, not to mention the merry media,
social and anti-social) could conceivably happen to anybody, and when you say
anybody you could mean me – it could happen to me – I could come home one day
and find HH in the arms (so to speak – I can’t go further than that) of, say,
Deke Perpendicular (laughter), and I could lose it and I could, say, shoot them
with some handy gun or other and there I would be, rushing off to somebody’s
conservatory for scotch and toast and honey – oh yes, honey – and I could dip
the spoon into the honey and I could lift up the spoon (silver, remember) and I
could watch as the honey slowly falls and makes its way down onto the golden
and buttery toast and I could think about bees and ants and I could wonder
about the surface of the honey and I could ask a kind of question about what
happens in the universe (picking up some crossed wires from Hannah’s mad bad
sister of the quince and elderberry concoction who has a habit of saying – oooh
– everything happens to everybody in the end you know – everybody dies
in the end) what happens in the universe when the honey meets the air, or you
could say when the shit hits the fan – I prefer to meditate on the honey – what
happens when the honey meets the air.
Yes, I could
wonder about that.